When performing becomes healing 𖤓

Many of you know how deeply I care about naming and unwinding the fawning response. I love discussing it, and working with it in my group and 1x1 containers.

For those of you who don’t know, fawning is a trauma response where you automatically and often unconsciously try to please, appease, or avoid conflict with others to feel safe. It often looks like people-pleasing, over-agreeing, or suppressing your own needs in order to keep the peace or avoid being the “odd one out”.

Most of us have fawned at some point in our lives because it is, after all, an adaptive survival behaviour. And for some of us, it’s a response that has maybe even kept you alive. But like all survival responses, it can continue to be an ingrained behaviour long after the threat is gone, becoming something we do even when it’s no longer necessary.

Lately, I’ve been sitting with this multi-layered idea of performance 🎭

A fawning nervous system knows the territory of performance well. We perform connection instead of actually connecting. This might look like performing “likability” instead of letting ourselves exist as we are, or performing “agreement”/being agreeable instead of naming and claiming our own unique desires.

These are “performances” are born from fear, from a lack of internal safety, and from needing to pre-empt others’ needs so you won’t be rejected, punished, or abandoned. It’s an unconscious performance meant to prevent harm, and keep you safe.

So… what if we flipped the script? Took the wheel 🚘 and instead of unconscious or fear-driven performing, we leaned into conscious, intentional, desire-driven performance. Oouuuf so juicy!

Last night, I performed an interpretive dance on Zoom in front of 60 people I’ve never met in-person. Oh my goodness was it ever an edge 😅 It was scary, but also beautifully exhilarating and driven by my own desire to truly be seen in my fullness, my uniqueness, and my depth. To be seen for who I am, instead of the masks I’ve put on to be accepted by others.

As someone who would (more or less) identify as a chronic fawner, I’ve historically been hesitant or skeptical of intentionally leaning into “performance”, worried it might reinforce or perpetuate the patterns I’m working on unwinding.

But, instead of that happening, dancing in front of all those people last night was actually incredibly healing for those patterns. Because I deliberately chose it and entered the performance with agency and awareness, it didn’t feed my fawning… it actually softened it! The part of me that learned to perform to survive was allowed to perform to express instead. What a gift it is to have the courage to be seen as you are, and be met with acceptance and love! It’s in this spaces and places that we heal and rewire these old behaviours.

When we push our edges, especially when we have enough capacity to push them lovingly, it can be so growth-provoking and dare I say even life-changing.

So this is my invitation to you:
Be bold. Have courage. Bring your voice to the table. Unmask the “likeable one” and get a little uncomfy with truly showing up as YOU. Maybe even be the villain for once?? Not everyone has to like you. And suppressing your own life force by camouflaging into the crowd is no way to live! Life is too short. Tell people no. Tell people yes! Tell people how much they’ve hurt you. Tell people how much you love them. Be brave sister! I’m right here with you, walking alongside you on this messy, beautiful, rich, chaotic, deep, wondrous path of being a human.

*Big sigh of relief* ahhhhhhh

Happy Friday xx

With courage,
Ayesha