I will die on this hill…
I will die on this hill: learning your yes, no, and maybe, alongside a basic, embodied education in emotions and the nervous system, needs to be taught in schools.
Not so that we become stiffer and more robotic in our interactions… quite the opposite. So that we can cultivate true connection, alongside both a sense of agency, and belonging. A community that thrives on each person embodying their own unique self, while simultaneously being part of a bigger whole.
Let me explain deeper.
The ability to feel into your clear yes, your honest no, and the nuanced space of maybe (including the art of compromise without completely losing yourself) is the basic education we all missed… through no fault of our own! And yet, both our inner world and closest relationships are paying the price.
We need to be learning these skills within ourselves, and teaching them to the youth of today, for a more liberated, healthy, empowering society. Without these skills, we leak an enormous amount of energy. Precious vital, life-force… and we lose touch with our own power (the healthy kind of power!)
Can you imagine what our society would look like if this was a basic, embodied education we all shared? If we learned this upfront, in school, just like we learn math and science?
The word power would take on a very different meaning.
SO much of our life force is in lost managing other people’s emotions and responses. This often shows up as over-explaining our relational requests.
We might soften, shrink, or contort our language and expression because we’re either afraid the other person will receive it as “too much”, or we don’t trust the other person can make a coherent decision for themselves as to whether or not they have the capacity to meet the request.
We might even apologize for the request before it’s even had a chance land, in its fullness.
Let’s try something. What would it be like, right now as you’re reading this, to feel into the energy and power of what it’s like to make a clear, concise request. To put your attention outward. No over-explaining, no shrinking.
What opens or awakens within your body?
Perhaps the tug of fear in the gut. Or the opposite, a deep exhale of relief. Maybe your voice deepens if you’re acting this out aloud, or you can feel more of your spine, pelvis, legs. Inhabited posture and stance. Shoulders naturally drawing back, without you even trying.
What’s it like to trust that the other person is capable of speaking to their own capacity. Trusting that if they are unable to meet your request, they will voice this with a loving, clear no… or offer a compromise.
It sounds simple right? Basic communication skills. But more often than not, especially if you have fawning tendencies, these skills go out the window and become replaced by enmeshment, co-dependency, and erasing oneself to stay in relationship with other.
When we’re used to people saying yes to our requests, meanwhile we can feel that they actually mean no, something in the relational field is disrupted. We may begin to contour our own language to emotionally accommodate the other person’s inability to speak their needs. Power starts leaking on both sides.
Ouuff I know this can be tough to read. Especially if what I’m writing about really hits home in your own life experience. I’m always about de-shaming these topics, so I’ll share with you that enmeshment is something I’ve experienced in my own closest relationships, time and time again. If this has been your experience as well, you’re not alone.
Additionally, from a biological perspective it makes complete sense to have a deep, animal-body desire to stay in relationship… even if that means shrinking your expression… because loss of relationship equates to survival (or lack there of) in the most primal parts of our nervous systems.
I don’t often speak about what unfolds inside my Somatic Women’s Groups, as the potency of the work relies on containment, trust, and confidentiality. Being deeply held so that true unravelling, emotional processing, trauma re-negotiation, and liberated expression can occur.
But I’ll share just one unfolding that occurred in last week’s session.
We began by deepening connection with our own bodies. Once that internal anchoring was established, we shifted into partner movement explorations. I offered the prompt: Can you remain connected to yourself while being with other? Can you feel your own sensations, emotions, impulses, and boundaries, while in being in connection (emotional and physical) with another human nervous system. Perhaps tuning into what they’re feeling as well, but not completely losing your own Self while holding, being with, and connecting with them.
For women with porous boundaries, difficulty orienting outward, challenges with assertion, or a history of shrinking, this kind of practice can be deeply revolutionary.
Within the exploration, I invited the women to make a simple, concise request of their partner. Practicing this type of embodied communication in a contained, supportive environment first can feel wonderful, especially if you have a history of complex trauma and relational rupture. Over time, these embodied experiences begin to translate beyond the protected space of the group, and into our daily conversations and relationships outside of the space.