When self abandonment creeps in… 𖦹
The past few weeks have been a rough go for me. Confronting, unsettling, tender. Old wounds and behavioural patterns have resurfaced in my relationships and interactions.
And the trait that’s cut the deepest lately?
💔 Self-Abandonment 💔
It didn’t happen all at once. It crept in slowly… not like a light switch, but more like a slow leak. One ignored need turned into three, three turned into five, and before I knew it, I was overriding my body’s signals again and again.
Until my body spoke up with a clear and resounding NO, and this showed up through a two-week long throat and sinus infection that completely. wiped. me. out.
Ooooffff. What a lesson.
Over the past little while I’ve fawned, appeased, silenced my voice.
And the most confronting part? Realizing I was the one who did that.
I could have honoured what I felt. But I didn’t. And in the wake of that, I’ve been sitting with a lot of anger toward myself.
How did I drift so far from my core, my truth, my voice?
And yet, there’s something sacred that always meets me on the other side of rupture with myself:
Clarity. Wisdom. Direction.
And most importantly, self-compassion.
It might sound cliché, but I’ve come to deeply TRUST the cycles of losing self, and returning again. I am truly grateful for the ways in which I lose myself from time to time, because each time I come home to mySelf after a rupture, I do so with deeper tenderness and self-understanding, developed in the repair process.
And yes, if you’re wondering, rupture and repair cycles don’t only show up in our relationships with other people. They also show up in our relationship with ourselves.
In this repair, I’ve been tenderly holding the parts of me that are angry at the parts that self-abandoned, and offering them both a space to speak. Listening for their stories. Learning why they acted the way they did. Asking these parts:
What were you trying to protect?
What’s your story? I long to understand you. What do you need me to know?
What do you need from me now?
Understanding the purpose of the parts of myself that self-abandoned, and why they did what they did. What they were hoping to achieve by self abandoning. Understanding the angry parts and holding space for those pieces of myself too. Reflecting on what these parts need to feel seen, heard, and acknowledged.
And most importantly, MOVING THROUGH IT, in my physical body.
Nothing like a fast-paced, cathartic bike ride with music in my ears and the wind in my hair to move through the anger, and give the activation a space to be FELT and alchemized (this was me earlier this week on the Spurline trail in Waterloo 😅 in case you saw me haha!)
Sometimes our deepest struggles are gifts. Perhaps wrapped in shit covered wrapping paper (yuck), but still, gifts nonetheless.
And love, if any of this speaks to what YOU are moving through in your life, I want you to know:
This is the depth I absolutely LOVE holding in my 1:1 sessions.
If you're longing to somatically reconnect to your inner truth, to liberate your voice, to meet the emotions, sensations, and stories in your body with reverence and curiosity…
I'd be honoured to support you through Somatic Processing Sessions.
A therapeutic space where your truth and your body are both welcomed and heard. Meet what’s craving to be met, in a 1:1 container.
This is deep, sacred work. And you don’t have to do it alone. If any part of you is longing to be witnessed and held, this work is for you.
If you feel the pull in your heart, book a session with me here.